Multitasking Motherhood and Marriage
Balancing life in general can be a whirlwind! Insert a husband and a baby and woah! WTF just happened?!
When I got married, that’s when adult life really started. We were grown, responsible and had just promised our lives to each other. Following the birth of my twins, my life changed within seconds. I now had two other ‘beings’ who were dependent on me. Some days I wondered how I would be able to stretch myself in so many different directions to ensure that my husband and children each felt loved. Thankfully, the first few months were pretty easy. My husband was extremely hands on and helpful, and in the literal sense, he really helped me juggle two babies! We gave our full attention to the twins, making sure they were happy, fed, changed, and repeated that routine everyday... and that worked for a while. Slowly, however, the routine we had within our marriage was being replaced by the routine we had for our children. I started to acknowledge that we didn’t have as much time for date nights as we did before, or those Netflix and chill moments were quickly spoilt by two crying babies who needed milk sooner rather than later.
If a mother is tired, how do you find the energy to do house chores, to wash and feed your baby, to make sex a priority? Post-baby, a lot can change...
Becoming a mother was a beautiful experience and I instinctively developed a desire to be their everything; their chef, cleaner, entertainer, soother…but being a wife was also a huge responsibility! Being both, requires you to be able to multitask, to be considerate, caring but also very mindful, and to have a sense of awareness of how much energy you are sharing out. Being a mama is tiring! And to be frank, I have probably had that underlying feeling of exhaustion for the last two years since my children were born. If a mother is tired, how do you find the energy to do house chores, to wash and feed your baby, to make sex a priority? Post-baby, a lot can change along with your energy, e.g. your body, your sleep pattern, your sex-drive, your mental state…motherhood really changes you.
It is often said that sometimes the introduction of a new baby could make a husband feel jealous and become distant, especially if it changes the dynamics of a marriage. It’s also believed that a wife could feel overwhelmed with the added motherhood duties and envy their husband who may have more freedom within the marriage. A little distraction, and you can understand why they say marriages may fail after having kids. With what starts as small cracks, over time there could easily become a huge void, and without a healthy balance between motherhood and marriage, you could start seeing a divide. I'm no relationship expert, but if I’m honest about my own experience, I’ve learnt that when wearing my ‘mummy hat’, I have to do my best to remember that I also have a partner who equally requires my time and attention. When my kids have grown up and flown the nest, I wouldn’t want to be in a loveless marriage that was held together because of the kids; therefore, my marriage has to also be a priority. I can truly say that over the last few years, I have really adjusted to this 'new' family lifestyle and frankly, my marriage is a beautiful one! When I stop and stare at my husband and kids whizzing around me, it brings me so much joy.
Being married with children has taught me that I have to make a conscious decision to continually love through the good times and the more difficult ones; it's a full time job! However, you know what else had to become a priority? ME. I remind myself daily that I really cannot do everything myself. Whether it's support with the kids, or some personal quality time that I've been missing, I have learnt that If I don't ask, I may not get. As stubborn as I am, I now try and speak up and ask for help when I desperately need it. By relieving some stress and gaining back a little energy, I can then give that energy back to my husband and to my kids. It’s easy to jump in to parenting; but without support, you can easily become burnt-out and overwhelmed. My advice would be to save some energy for yourself sis! It’s so important that you never forget who you are. You were somebody before you became a mother or a wife. Say your name! When you have free time, use it to your advantage to do some of the things you used to enjoy. You will feel so much better mentally and physically.
How to balance Motherhood and Marriage?
Communicate
Talk with your spouse. Have regular conversations about how your week has been, spice things up with some new topics too, and avoid every conversation being about the kids.
Share your feelings with each other. It’s so important to be transparent about how you are both feeling both within the marriage and as parents. Sometimes we miss cues or ignore each other’s behaviours; however, I believe that being honest and direct about your thoughts or resentments is much more beneficial.
Active listening! Communication is not key, comprehension is! Taking time to understand what your partner or child needs or wants, and also expressing your own thoughts is essential.
Talk about your expectations, assumptions and prospects for the future of your marriage. Are you on the same page and moving in the right direction with your family ideals? Perhaps sit down and map out where you’re heading and how you can reach that destination together.
Be Intentional
It is so important to be intentional about focusing your time and energy on your family. By intentional I mean are you making thoughtful choices? Be intentional about speaking positively towards your husband, make an intentional effort to interact and engage with your husband and make your presence known.
Make a conscious decision to spice up your marriage with regular date nights - don’t just discuss them, plan and execute! Accept help from friends and family to have the kids if needed.
If you intended to take the kids to somewhere fun, do your best to have a memorable time. Memories and positive experiences have a greater impact on children in their development.
Prioritise
In order to balance motherhood and marriage, you need to be organised with your time, energy, mental and physical capacity. I wont lie, it’s hard work, but by trying to prioritise certain tasks or activities really helps.
Make time for your family! I know, I know, you already are lol! But what I really mean is to schedule in this time. Amongst your already busy lifestyle, it’s helpful to plan some family days out or activities for the family in advance. Most importantly, mark a date in the diary for ‘hubby’s protected time’ as quality time with your husband will help you feel more connected and is also known to boost libido. In general, try to share your time between your husband and your children (you’ll be surprised at the values of marriage you would also be teaching your children).
When was the last time you prioritised yourself mama? You share so much of yourself, but what happens when you need a little space? You can’t care for other people if you don’t take care of yourself! Motherhood can be stressful, draining and frustrating on some days, so it's vital that you take a moment for yourself to gather up your sanity. A tired mum is sometimes an aggy mum who might snap at their husband or have less patience for their children. You need to know that you’re doing an amazing job! Just make sure you get some rest, practice self-care, un-plug and un-wind to de-stress.
Have fun
My favourite way to balance my marriage with motherhood is to be spontaneous! I really enjoy bringing some excitement into our lives by going to new places, going out as family, and just generally having a laugh with my twins and my husband.
Why not treat yourself, indulge in pamper session either on your own or with your partner. Planning time to relax is also fun :)
Get involved in other activities or learn something new e.g. some exercise, pray, try a new board game, go travelling, treat each other with surprise gifts.
Physical contact is a great way to boost endorphins! Be passionate with your partner, and hug and kiss your kids!
Mummy-time
Can you really balance marriage and motherhood? OF COURSE! Millions of women are winning at it everyday and are smashing it. If that’s you, you deserve a clap and a self-care day :) Family life won’t always be easy, and I personally didn’t expect so many changes in my lifestyle, yet I’m embracing and learning from them everyday.
Marriage is team work! Something that you both need to work pretty damn hard at and both be team players in; nevertheless, if you can communicate, prioritise, be intentional and enjoy yourself; then you can definitely work together with your husband/ partner to be a better parent and raise them together! There are so many different ways in which you can balance being a brilliant mother and wife, and this was not an exhaustive list. If there’s a few I’ve missed out, I would love to hear them! Drop a comment below for other mums x
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